Being Busy

There were days when I just slept for the weekends. I don’t even remember the last time I slept for an hour during the day. All these days, it’s been late night sleeping, and waking up early, trying to beat the morning traffic to the office. The one good thing about being busy: you are never bored. You are either doing something or sleeping. Your brain is either working or sleeping. It never rests.

I love being busy, as compared to lying on the couch the whole day, and watching those eternally repeating movies on TV. The only time I am relatively less busy is when I am commuting. My commute to the office is about 50 minutes one way. That 100 minutes daily, is the time when I do a lot of thinking, singing and sitting. Oh, and sometimes, just waiting at the red lights, praying and pleading to God to let me move on.

But I also know someone personally who is busier than me. I envy her. Her days are more interesting than mine, or so I feel. She doesn’t tell, but I can feel it. As much I hate going out and getting stuck in the traffic, she loves all the time that she gets to spend at home.

She sleeps as much as she wants. She doesn’t want to sleepy at all, but when she sleeps, even the loudest noises on earth can’t make her turn over. Her days are not monotonous, each day is new experience for her.

Here I am, trying to catch up on all my missed gym routines, sitting on the cycle and finishing my unfinished post that I had started 2 weeks back.

Pilaaan… The plan never works

The day I choose to do things in a planned way, everything works against me, and throws my well planned schedule out of course. This has happened to me time and again, and still I keep trying. I sometimes wonder if planning has actually worked for anyone at all, or its just me.

I wanted to wake up early. Finally woke up at 8 am.

I wanted to do some exercise today. It was too hot outside.

I wanted to reach office early today. Couldn’t leave early because a meeting was scheduled right before I was supposed to leave home.

Strange as it may seem, I am much less worried or tensed when my days are unplanned. No expectations, to targets to run for, and a happy and calm day. But then, being a husband and a dad, I am supposed to at least act as if I have planned everything perfectly. And it better be a good plan.

Good plan is the one which has unlimited number of backup plans in case any one of those fail.

When my wife asks, “Have you made your plans?” I answer, “Of course. Don’t you know me? I don’t keep anything for the last minute.”

And think to myself, I just told the biggest baddest lie of today and look at my wife. She smiles and probably is thinking the same. 😀

I want peace

I want peace. I want inner peace. Complete silence. I shouldn’t be able to hear even a pin drop. I want my ears go temporarily deaf.
I want some silence. No sounds at all. For a few minutes at least!!!
When I concentrate hard enough on something, even a mosquito flying by my ears irritate me. And that’s exactly the time when someone is at the door hitting the bell frantically. And everybody else in the house is busy. And then the phone starts yelling.
This is a conspiracy. And it happens all the tune with me. Grrrrr
Silence. I need absolute silence. Not even the sound of my own breathing, for a few hours at-least….

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The Foggy Mornings

Winters are here, and the best place to spend most of your weekend hours is tree-in-fogdefinitely your warm and cozy bed, with a thick blanket. A steaming cup of tea or coffee just adds to the ecstasy. Today when I woke up, it was really foggy, at-least, by Bangalore standards. But the smell, the chill and the cold instantly took me back to my college days in Kurukshetra. Winters were lovely back then, even when the Sun shone at it’s highest point, it was not blinding. It was all white, throughout the day, all winter. Not a ray of sun was able to touch the ground for days. And the first thing we did after getting up from bed, was to run to the Khokha for a cup of tea and a cigarette. I miss those foggy mornings. By the time I finished writing these few lines, the fog was gone, and so did all my memories. The sun was shining bright. Today is the SNAP DAY. Oh no……… The Admit card print out!!!! Thank God, the test begins at 2, I can still have my daily tea.

No more time, but have to wait

viaduct-fall Well, looks like there is no more time left for me. Time would not allow me to do some things that should have been done in the past. Time has left the past behind and is just about to knock on the doors of the future. I cannot even feel the presence of time now. The “now” is already going into the past, so fast.

Hehe, forget time. I just wanted to relax from now on. Till Sunday, I have decided not to touch my still “untouched” books. And I am trying to relax. But, I am not able to figure out how to relax. What should I do to relax ? Even in my sleep, I have had some obnoxious dreams, dreams that were definitely not sweet. Dreams that made me sweat, dreams that woke me up at the oddest hours of the night, and deprived me of the adequate amount of sleep. For the last few days, I had been sleeping at very odd hours, sleeping for not more than 5 hours a day, though I over-slept for a few days. 

So, here comes the question. “What am I worried about ?”

I am not sure. I have never been sure. Frankly speaking, I don’t have any expectations from anything. Well, then, what am I worried about, if I don’t have any expectations? If I were to generalize, I would say, each and every action will always have a “Good” and a “Bad” outcome. Of-course, I don’t want the “Bad” outcome, nobody does, perhaps. But out of those two, who decides which is the “Good” one and which is the other? Probably, that is what I am worried about. 

I expect my journey of life to be one without much pain, but pleasure, without much losses, but gains, without much sorrow, but happiness, and I can see at-least two roads in-front of me. I can’t see beyond a certain point, and so don’t see my final destination. No one has even made a mark on any of them. There are no indications, directions or suggestions for the travelers. One of them seems to be a bit rough than the other. But, that’s what I can say about the two roads till the point that I can see. Beyond that point, its dark. these two roads are only meant for me. Other people will have their set of two or more roads. And it seems that I, now, I have to make the decision, to choose one out of the two. 

I feel like tossing the coin sometimes, since it seems the only way out. And, if I decide to choose one of them, I will never be able to come back into the past, and take the other one for a change. Perhaps, that is what is worrying me. But, the act of deciding seems to be not under my control. I feel that it has already been decided and my mind already knows which road I will take. But, somehow, my mind has stopped communicating with me. Though my mind knows which one I will be choosing, I am not aware of this decision. Perhaps, it’s not my mind actually. Perhaps, it is the roads, that have made my decisions. Perhaps, the road that I will be traveling on is the only real one, the other one being just an illusion. It probably doesn’t even exist.
This illusion, even if I am aware of it, still makes me wait at the crossroads, and contemplate. Isn’t it weird ? 

Perhaps, I should stop thinking any more, and wait till the illusion vanishes. I don’t know now, which one of them is the real one. I will wait till one of them disappears, and then, may be, I won’t be worried too much. I wouldn’t have any choice then, there wouldn’t be a decision to be made. Life would be so simple after that until another crossroad appears.

A day before that CAT, I am thinking all this ? Wow. Seems something terrible, or may be pleasant is waiting for me somewhere. Or may be, I at-last know:
                “Why People Call Me Psycho”